Action got underway early on Wed with K6 and Bollywood both withdrawing from the match. K6 claiming a 3 day old Flu had finally taken its toll reducing him to a weakened soft state, leaving him unavailable to play. Inside sources suggest this 'Flu' front was utter bullshit, stating his assisted swan dive into a wall via a coffee table last Fri night, and the subsequent head injuries the more likely reason for his absence. CAT scans have cleared the veteran and he is hopeful of returning next week.
Bollywood's exclusion was also shrouded in controversy with breaking reports that Ring-In Slap Wayne, still recovering from a quietly torn Hammy, spitefully denied Bolly permission to play. Medical records show that Super Sub Wayne is suffering from a severe bout of the 'Benji Envi' thus finding it hard to let go of the anger and resentment. In a recent GQ mag interview Ring-In Slap Jake spoke candidly about Wayne's rapid mental decline. "He's got issues,sure" ,then ,"He's become slightly twisted about the injury, the time off, the whole deal. It's sad, he's a great athlete OK. This injury has robbed him of a finals spot." Word from Camp Bollywood appears to indicate the Slapper was rocked by his omission and consequently a deposit was placed on a 2 week Rehab stint. We wish him well.
Once again, match time approached and we were a Slap down. (no surprises really, Stats show we use , on average, 1.4 Ring-In's a match). After a flurry of texts and a blur of e-mails we settled on and welcomed back a familiar face. Robin (The Bat-Man) would don the Pitchslap shirt and become our 21st Slapper. It was now time to game on.
As it was on our previous encounter, the Regs won the toss and elected to bowl. (Note: this is the only thing they win on either occasion). Great! I would have batted anyway, it's such a 1st innings pitch . &Keano soon found himself in the middle with surprise opening buddy B.Baggins. The Kiwi with alot to prove after a nasty mid-week spell of drunken Cyber-rage against fellow Slappers left selectors scratching their heads, questioning loyalty and the like. Baggins quickly silenced all critics as the pair shot off smartly, blasting 12 off the opening over. However, the wheels fell off in the following 3 overs leaving them with red faces and a total of 14. And leaving the selectors with more ammunition....We wish B.Baggins well in these times.
Old friends, Crickey! and F.Baggins continued on the up. The two Slaps played out of their skins affording the Regs a miserly 3 wickets in what was a very tidy and well controlled knock. F.Baggins, another Slapper linked to the mid-week selection scandal , cruised with Crickey! to reach a personal partnership record of 24 runs. The out-spoken Kiwi's mighty effort forcing Selectors onto the back foot, who now deny that F.Baggins' spot was ever in question. "The pressure has always been on Bilbo" stated Pitchslap Selector and Talent Scout Mr .Cricket. "Just look at the figures, you don't have to be Einstein to work out how much dead wood weighs."
Speaking of old friends, 3rd partnership saw The Bat-Man team up for a roller-coaster ride with his Side-Kick Skippy. True to form, the Skip was unaware he was facing the Power over and proceeded to launch into Slap 101. Fortunately only 1 wicket fell that over. It could have been ugly but The Bat-Man saved the day! With a KAPOW here , and a P-TWANG there ,the not-so dynamic duo managed to notch up a hard fought 16. An extremely disappointing result for the Skipper, who up till now had never come into the Selectors discerning headlights. Wouldn't that be embarrassing. I think I hear gLOVE drawing up a bowling/batting order as I type.
Selectors chose to blow the dust off a traditional closing partnership with the reunification of two of Pitchslap's favourite sons gLOVE and Masterclass. It was a scene from the past. This combination hasn't graced Matto's crusty floors since Round 2 when they set a Slap Honour of 75 against Frantic. In keeping with tradition the boys were presented with a very modest (read:shit) total of 54 to build upon. Armed with a newly positioned Batting Power Over (super tactics from the uber skip) the pair set about methodically turning the run rate over. A text book display on the effectiveness of side nets and human skulls, as no four or six shots were scored the entire innings. (personally I don't think gLOVE's eyes were focusing that far away). Masterclass wasted no time getting back into the swing of things. His extra couple of kilo's not hampering him in the slightest. Obviously, access to the hotel gym was not included in his most recent work junket. That said, he and gLOVE produced yet another match saving innings bringing the total to 99. A fitting moment considering this is also the official Pitchslap Heritage Round celebrating 15 weeks of glorious tradition. Go you Slappers!
4 comments:
This is the B.Baggins official statement to media on this day 18 APRIL 2008.
STATEMENT DELIVERED BY THE MAD BUTCHER. -B.Baggins manager.
"Mr Baggins as asked me to call this conference today to answer and silence recent reports of late night outings and general poor performance for the highly successful PITCHSLAP.
Mr Baggins would like to state that on the evening in question he and fellow PITCHSLAP members enjoyed a evening at The Beach Road Hotel in Bondi which led to the team mates moving to a private party also in the Bondi area. At this point the team mates became heavily intoxicated which led to a series of unfortunate events.
Mr Baggins would like to state that his behavior was uncharacteristic but not without reason.
Recent pressure and comments from highly unqualified selectors led to Mr Baggins being and I quote "Absolutely fucked"
This action of which the current PM Kevin Rudd would class as A type binge drinking is best described in Mr Baggins mind as and I quote "A bit fucked."
He would also like to add that the pressure was and I quote again "Fucking immense" following his nomination as best half in the NRL 'Best players of the last 100 years'.
Mr Baggins is contemplating rehab but only if and I quote one more time "Those other c*%t's come with me!"
He would also like to silence his critics in regard to his recent performances for the PITCHSLAP team. Mr Baggins has been a keen student in the art of leg spin bowling for the past season. His improvement have been evident as early as game 15 with solid figures of 3/16 bowling against a power over. You just have to look at a fellow team mates contribution were he could only muster meager figures of 1/18. He would like to add he will continue to work on his batting but will point out that he has been part of one of the more consistent but by no means exceptional batting pairs for the PITCHSLAPS.
He now hopes that he can put the last couple of weeks behind him and focus on playing and producing solid performances for his beloved PITCHSLAP team.
Thank you for your time. TENA KOTO, TENA KOTO, TENA KOTO KA TOA. Which in english translation simply means PEACHES AND BANANAS,PEACHES AND BANANAS, PEACHES AND BANANAS CONFIRMED SCHOOLYARD."
4 in the afternoon and McGregor was already three sheets it seems.
Peaches and Cream Schnapps perhaps?
delete cream. i meant bananas.
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