Round 12 - Mrs Cricket's Rag

'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us..' So wrote Dickens all those years ago. The Prick must've had a crystal ball because that pretty much sums up the match.

The most frustrating thing about Wed night was the fact that we had a real chance to blow those bunnies away. Our bowling/fielding was, at times, superb. The floglogs came into the match with a batting average of just over 160. Needless to say keeping them to a miserly 126 annoyed them. They were rattled at times. Their sledging reduced to boring tennis/TV crew dribble. Spare me! Even the Floglogs skipper was overheard asking Fossil why the handicap was so big and if I'm not mistaken, he appeared to be whinging. Tsk Tsk! But enough. I could be here all night.

Our batting, once again, let us down. No need for specifics. We all know where we need to improve our games. We have the talent, Slappers. What we lack is the focus to knuckle down and pull ourselves out of tricky situations. Double plays, freaky catches etc. All partnerships started extremely well but fell off with intensity towards the end. Undoubtedly, the Floglogs were a challenging side. They pressed the right buttons with their bowling and kept us fairly honest. Next week, Frantics will do the same. It was tight last time and they will have more of a handicap this Wed.

Round 12 - floggered

game	opponent	them	us
12	floggers	126	84*

*20 run handicap

BOWLING

	wickets	runs
brendan	0	38
g	2	46
ivan	2	11
jamie	2	16
jimmy	2	13
nick	5	-12
richo	1	20
steve	4	-6
	18	126

BATTING

		out	partnership	total
handicap			20
brendan	steve	8	2	22
ivan	jimmy	6	0	22
jamie	richo	3	26	48
g	nachos	4	36	84

Match Slapper: Jimmy

With a full complement of players the top ranked Floggers set things straight tonight having gone down to us in Game 1. It was a match with some feeling, bordering on ill temper. Lenno perhaps not timing his return states-side as we would have liked.

With an eye on future engagements we can take heart from a fairly competitive effort in the field. Having chosen to bat, the Flogs never really got beyond us, poor overs (they'd be mine) were quickly righted by the following bowler - another frugal effort from Ivan as well overs from Jamie and Jimmy coming to mind. Slem was a handful again tonight (4/-6) as was Nachos with another superb return of 5/-12 following on from his (second) Matto player of the week status from the ICAA match. Without discounting the efforts of others, Jamie and Jimmy were quite sharp around the field tonight.

There's no denying we have some issues with the bat - equally it is not bravado to say they are likely easily fixed. Brendan and Slem hit the ball well but for a devastating pair of double plays in over 4, Jimmy and Ivan faced the power over first up and a couple of their better bowlers. Jamie and the Skipper had to bust some pretty handy moves to the chin music they were greeted with, while Nick looked as collected as ever. In the end our lowest total for the season, may it stay that way.

Little to add, so to next week where Johnny and Keano remain on the shelf for the return bout with Frantic.

Round 11 - Mrs Cricket's Rag

Firstly, I do apologise for my late report. I blame my tardiness on the season. The un-Godly mix of copious amounts of Easter eggs and small children ensure there is never a dull moment. Although there seems to be a lull in wall bouncing presently so here's my chance. Well Wed was tough , I won't lie. An uneasy anger, almost bitterness, had fallen upon me. I am told this condition is fairly normal. Looking up my ancient Psych text books I find it decribed as a mild anxiety attack, a feeling of stress brought about by a sense of uselessness. Today , of course, it is usually referred to as " The Benji's". So, I was suffering from "the Benji's", well slightly anyway. (And thakyou to gLOVE for reminding me that in some circles it is still refferred to as "the Joey's".)

The 'Farewell The Hate' circus was sadly drawing to a close. For weeks this Slapper has entertained us with regular spells of lightning pace and thunderous outbursts. I don't know what will be missed more. His speed and agility in the field continually increased pressure both on opposition batsmen and my fingers. The latter finally succumbing a fortnight ago. It's probably the last time we'll see The Hate in action at Matto this season. But you never know, stranger things have happened.

On a brighter note, we also welcomed back two regular Slappers, F.Baggins (kiwi super-star) and Crickey!(Go on. York me. I won't feel it). Both Slappers handled themselves nicely on return. Excellent bowling figures and a partnership that was well on track for 30, had it not been for that last over, were very encouraging. Crickey! showing no signs of major paralysis to the foot. A legacy that will be with him for the next few seasons. With The Hate's departure it's looks like the vacant mantle of 'Angry' Slapper is well and truly within F.Baggin's grasp. After having copped a returning ball to the head whilst batting he wasted no time in returning the favour when fielding. A marvellous effort. Calculated stuff . Applauded by all.

Round 11 - untitled

game	opponent	us	them
11	ICAA*	130	83

* 30 run handicap

BATTING

		out	partnership	total
keano	lenno	6	20	20
ivan	jimmy	6	12	32
g	steve	3	39	71
john	nachos	2	59	130

BOWLING

	wickets	runs
handicap		30
g	3	0
ivan	2	7
jimmy	2	16
john	2	12
keano	2	8
lenno	0	33
nick	4	-20
steve	4	-3
	19	83

(double) Match Slapper: Nachos

(double) CENTRE SLAPPER: Nachos

At Stumps Squad: Nachos & Steve


Odd to take to the court tonight without the wounded Skipper and the career oriented Jamie. Keeping a kiwi on deck, Jimmy returned to the fold as did newly-wed Ivan, in his first outing both this season and in Slap colours. Crickey! honeymooned in sting-ray free waters, taking his lovely bride for a month in Sri Lanka. This shrewd Slapper thus maintained his connection and education in the game, especially while having the local kids bowl to him on the beach for hour after hour for just the loose change in his board shorts.

With ICAA carrying a 30 run start, we had the choice and batted. Keano and Lenno got away to a solid start against a succession of spinners to be 24 after 3 overs. Over 4, however, was traumatic. Ivan and Jimmy were chucked in together and copped the bowling power over first up which they navigated without incident. The lads showed they aren't far away with the willow despite their break from the crease and modest return first up. For once being able to choose where and with whom I batted I decided to stick with form Slapper Slem. At -5 after the first over it felt a dud call but we managed to turn things about, Slem taking to the second over in particular. John and Nick were in fine touch, though ICAA gun "H" bowled a great last over (having been hit for a couple of zacs in his first) to restrict the dashers to 3. Overall somewhat of a wicket-fest (17) but our final tally of 130 was competitive.

Into the field I felt all the answers were contained on the piece of paper in my pocket - of course extracting same in order to read it was pretty difficult with 'keeping gloves on. Thankfully another great opening over from Keano (3) and banana-like swing from Nachos (-4) kept my panic about this to a controllable level despite the handicap assisting ICAA to 48 from the first 4 overs. Overs from Jimmy (-3) and Ivan (-4) ably supported by an unplayably potent over from Lenno left ICAA reeling with the third pair only scraping together 2 runs. The third pair were then floored by two wickets in two balls at the start of Nick's 9th over power play, leaving their gun combination an unlikely target of 78 for the win, though with their own power over in hand. Keano started with a pressure building 5 run over, John's was tidy as well. Slem followed on from a great night in the field to take matters further into his own hands, executing the glamour caught and bowled / run out double play - that is, rather than admiring his own catch momentarily as many are want to do - followed by another wicket to seal the deal.

Seems like only eight weeks ago we were bidding farewell to Lenno. You get the feeling we wont see him back for a time. Yes, we've got a few blokes who run in and winkle out Matto's best more often, but this Slapper has the raw pace week in and out few will not concede is most entertaining. From behind the stumps there's been some priceless looks of fearful concern as the batsman look around as if to say 'where's the next one going to be'? To which of course I've rarely had an answer.

BREAKING NEWS

Pitchslap Skipper Mrs Cricket has been forced to withdraw from this Wed game against ICAA and possibly again for the following week. Doctors today confirmed a suspected infection in the right hand. The set back comes as blow to the captain, who hadn't missed a match all season but now faces the likelihood of two weeks as 9th man. Keeper and strike batsman gLOVE will take over the reins this Wed in a match that sees CRICKEY! return to Matto for the first time this year. Marine attacks and a honeymoon to Sri Lanka have kept this Slapper from the crease. We eagerly await his vicious swing attack. We also say farewell to The Hate after this week. His enthusiasm and effort over the last month or so has been top-notch. Lets hope he can return again one day, with an even shorter fuse. Bless you, SLAP.

Round 10 - Mrs Cricket's Rag

Ahhh, the healing power of time. It has this unique ability to erase detail from heartloss. Sure, the empty feeling remains but it becomes a fuzzy pain. A dull ache that slowly morphs into a kind of reflective joy. Time maintains the forest but eventually looses the trees.

It is with this attitude that I can look back at last Wed night and think O.K we was SLAPPED! No need for facts and figures....especially bowling figures. Barring their second partnership we kept them pretty bloody honest. Some great bowling/fielding applied necessary pressure, the last 4 overs very tight indeed.

Things weren't off to a great start though with the Bondi crew arriving unusually late causing gLOVE to reach for my Gaviscon. Our not-so-friendly umppy up in arms over the delayed start. Cursing and a cussin' he was. It should be noted that he also lies in the "we are whingers" camp and will no doubt turn up in some future week opposing us on the pitch. I stop there. The Hate's untimely need for a piss added to the general aura of mild chaos early on and it took some overs for us to settle in. But we did. Until my fingers gave way to a pacey The Hate return and the mild chaos returned, at least, in my head.

Now. Our Batting. This is where they out played us. Having said that I don't think we battted appallingly. Rex's are a classy outfit and runs were tough in the field. The Hate and &Keano having to brunt the opening attack. Mild fits from The Hate keeping our mate in the box on his toes. Baggins and I were on track to make our highest run score yet, then...1 ball ....-20runs.....god damn it!...so sorry. gLOVE and Slem managed to tally a respectable total after a few nasty balls met gLOVE's stumps. Rex Lion 'Mitch' (or is it The Floggers or Fourspins or any of them) as cocky as ever asking The Hate if he could emulate that bowling performance, sparking, of course, another fit. Masterclass and K6 were facing Everest by the 13 over with no Sherpa to hold their Yak. A valiant charge saw them fall short by around 50 (no facts or figures though remember).

Again, Well Done to Ring-In Slem for taking home his first Match Slapper. A great effort all round.

Round 10 - there we are

game	opponent	them	us
10	rex lions	159	102*

* 20 run handicap

BOWLING

	wickets	runs
g	1	26
jamie	1	39
john	3	17
keano	3	2
lenno	2	10
nick	3	6
richo	0	46
steve	2	13
	15	159

BATTING

		out	partnership	total
handicap			20
keano	lenno	6	3	23
jamie	richo	3	17	40
g	steve	5	27	67
john	nachos	4	35	102

(best image yet of a) Match Slapper: Steve


I'm only mildly disappointed that there can be no material about cowardly (Rex) Lions, nor Toto and not being able to call Johnny Dorothy.

There was perhaps an element of the Scarecrow in our play tonight. Their first pair (note that Mitch is ordinarily a Flogger) were kept honest at 32 yet we immediately followed half the wickets taken with multiple wides. After 8 overs the Lions had amassed 119 - Ross and Mark have consistently scored heavily this season but we are not likely to allow them 87 runs when next we meet.

The Skipper perhaps bore the worst brunt of this onslaught, leaving the court bleeding in over 7, hampered for the remainder with a heavily strapped bowling hand. It is interesting that his running repairs and return to the fray was achieved in as timely a manner as Lenno’s mid-innings urination.

Keano (-12) and Nachos (-3) did a number on the third pair to keep the total in some sort of check as did Johnny’s final over of the innings. His three wickets stopping dead what was looming as a large closing from the Lions - despite Matty giving him a bit of a touch up straight down the court from successive balls faced.

Our batting never got into gear. Lenno and Keano suffered a reversal from what has been generally fine form, Jamie and Richo solid as ever but for being double-played in the power over. In attempting to give the boys something to aim at in the last 4 overs, Match Slapper Slem was hampered by his partner. The Skip must wonder where next to hide yours truly in the batting line up. We weren't in the hunt but Johnny and K6 aimed up and overcame some very dodgy arithmetic in the power over to ensure our second skin of the evening, denying The Lions maximum points.

It's clear enough that we were beaten by the better side on the night et al but we did learn a few things. Next week we're up against ICAA who appear to built around one bloke, last rounds player of the week, "H". You can't take a bloke who goes by a one character moniker seriously, really.

And finally, for the true tragics, at the base of the page a new feature. That's right, I need to get out more.

Round 9 - Mrs Cricket's Rag

It was billed "Pitchslap V Regulators". It should have been billed " Pitchslap V Regulators V Toto V That F*#KING Umpire". All is not well in Matraville when one over hears an umpire pleading with managment to not have to ump the next match because the team are whingers. And that team was us. Not a good start. Next, some of the most dubious calls on run outs, stumpings, ball control , wides, no-balls, net scores.....oh. no more please. You get my drift. I'd hate to whinge. Anyway Umpy, good match. You did your best.

It appears after having heard the drums echo in the night, Slapper Knicky Sixx went to bless the rains down in Africa. Well, Enmore at least. He took the 4.30 flight and went searching for some old forgotten words. Maybe for some ancient melodies? " It's not gonna take alot to take you away from me " I said . " There's nothing that 8 men or more could ever do?", I pleaded. But as sure as Kilamanjero rises like an empress over the Serenghetti, Sixx was going. OK. Well, hurry boy it's waiting there for you.

The challenge was set. &Keano and The Hate got the ball rolling nicely early on. A solid Knock from both Slappers saw the total fly to 43, a mere 3 runs short of Slap Honours. B.Baggins and Myself continued on an upward trend, ever ever so slightly. Newcomer Ring -in Tim and gLOVE made sure the game would remain competitive, for the time being anyway. Whilst Masterclass finally found form and the back net in a stunning partnership with debutant Ring-in SLeM. The pair smashing the yellow pill all around the park. A classy total of 71 saw them just 5 runs short of Slap Honours. With a grand total of 139 we then took to the field.

Things were looking a little touch and go after the first 4 overs. Mis-fields started to rear their ugly head again. Yours truly making a motza of most of the balls fired his way at back stumps. A few dropped catches and near misses kept the game well and truly open for the taking. The next 4 overs saw things improve slightly. The Regs were hungry for points and continued to keep their run rate at an annoying level. Leaving themselves with a do-able target and us with few questions to be answered. Fortunately everyone answered with exceptional second overs. Lessons had been learnt and we applied the torch to their batting. Keeping them extremely accounttable on all but a few balls. gLOVE had the unfortunate task of bowling to a madman on the high of a power over. You could smell this guys testosterone. He was out to win at all costs. I admire that.

The history books will note that we beat them by 20. Because we did.

Round 9 - une pitchgifle

game	opponent	us	them
9	regulators	139	119

BATTING

		out	partnership	total
keano	lenno	1	43	43
jamie	richo	4	34	77
g	tim	7	-9	68
john	steve	0	71	139

BOWLING

	wickets	runs
g	1	49
jamie	1	15
john	2	1
keano	2	7
lenno	2	4
richo	3	-2
steve	1	15
tim	0	30
	12	119

(first and last) Match Slapper: John


At Stumps Squad: Keano & John

All that was missing was Gene Hackman, as Pitchslap brought to Matraville a little avoir du chien via Le Marquand and the frères Le Nevez. gLOVE, as our French readers have noted, parler le français comme une vache espagnole.

Quite the build up to this weeks outing against the Regulators, following the forfeit and their position one behind us in fourth. A scratch match, the Skip won the toss and elected to set a total. Keano's fortnight absence from the game has only freshened his form, returning to the openers position alongside Lenno, losing only one wicket on their way to another sturdy start of 43. Jamie and Richo continue with the grit, resetting their bar again at 34 - a great sixer a highlight from B.Baggins. New Slap Tim joined yours truly at the crease, my advice on how we should approach things sensibly ringing turgidly in his ears as I proceeded upon a precisely opposite course. All the mail on New Slap Steve was about the ball, yet we really pulled the long straw in his pairing with John for a tremendous closing. The Masterclass, as ever, precise with his hitting in the power over.

With 139 on the board the Regulators launched into their work, adding an initial stand of 46 despite a great opening from Keano. Lenno and Jamie combined to slow the scoring in the second pair, though our opponents had worked themselves into a strong position needing only 63 from the final 8 overs with the power over in hand. Richo (-1), John (-3), Keano (2) and Slem (1) then rolled over the third pair to make the task rather more difficult. Lenno kept the pressure on with a negative over before they were back in the hunt after carting the power over (no surprises who bowled it). Thankfully then, it was the Skipper and John who stepped up to leave them 20 runs adrift.

Rich is likely seeking out new wicket-keeping options after one of the most wretched performances seen at Matto these many years. Before you reach for the guillotine Skipper please just remember, my dearest and most revered friend, this team is essentially my life. At the other end of the spectrum, while Lenno, Keano and Richo would have all been thoroughly deserved winners, there may be only one Match Slapper. We've just come to expect it probably, but it was a super game from Johnny.

And so, no bleating about the vote for a while, all right?