Round 8 - Mrs Cricket's Rag

Slappers!! Don't be alarmed!! All is Well. That feeling of 'hollowness' you're experiencing at this very moment is totally normal. That void that has been following you all morning, nagging at your soul. Asking "Why?, Why us, Hot Sausage?". Cricket is a cruel temptress and when she wants to screw you, she will. Lack of commitment is the simple reason for that bittersweet taste in you mouth Slappers. With 3 hours left till match time their Captain threw in the towel. He was only 3 short. Soft! Extremely Soft!

With the match cancelled and maximum points gained we then look forward to next week. Look out for the long awaited return of &Keano. Fresh from a stint in a QLD gaol he's fired up and he aint no-one's bitch anymore.

Finally, we have merchandise ! (well .... stickers at least). Check out photo. 1 style fits all bats. Special thankyou to Mr. Cricket (Tex). Collect one off me when next we play. Till then, Slap On.

Round 7 - Mrs Cricket's Rag

Welcome Back Slaps! Another Thursday morning filled with the sweet scent of victory. A scent which is also particularly strong in my car where I happened to leave 'super ring -in' Rob's slap shirt for the night. Man..my Lord! Not so sweet. Silly.

O.K. I've finally got the figures you've all been waiting for. That's right. I managed to get my hands on our official IPL auction bids. They took into account last night's match only. (It was the only footage I could get to them). Here they are. Remember keep mum about this to the press.

$1.475 million - gLOVE - What isn't there to love? Taking out his second match slap award with yet again, a superb display of batting, bowling and keeping. The stumping of the 'wanderer' will remain a classic with the viewers. Torn gloves or hammy's won't keep this Slapper down. And all this while Fossil is constantly in his ear. Inspirational stuff! Hail.

$1.23 million - Bollywood - The name says it all. This Slap is already a mini deity on the sub-continent. Opened with both sitars blazing, scoring runs at will. Then on the 6th ball of the 3rd over something went off key. Still ended up with a respectable total though. Bolly's bowling was exquisite. On target with more variety than his soon to be local del(h)i. Great Slapping!

$1.29 million - THE HATE - We knew he was returning all fired up, the question on everyone's mind was - would he spray? The HATE was back in town and Amen to that. We were witness to a sizzling spell of bowling. On line and simply deadly. One batter resorting to a pole vault style leap just to his legs out of harms way. Juicy Stuff! HATE's innings with Bolly had all the potential of being a 50+er but, as mentioned earlier, mild communication explosions between the two proved a little costly. Overall a welcoming solid return to the Matraville arena.

$999K - B.Baggins - With a bowling performance like that, 4/26 (inc. batt power over against) it's a wonder why he isn't worth more. Maybe it's the colour of his passport? Don't know..Anyway the Slapper with the most chance of representing his country (Insert Kiwi dig here) had a blinder match. Great bowling Shivas! Throwing confusion on the batsmen by continually retaking his run up. Great Psychology Baggins. Batting partnership is growing week by week. Just like grass really. The new blade is proving to be a handy purchase just like the new cover. Nice and Handy sailor. Won't see this Baggins for a fortnight. Who do I bat with now?????

$666K - Mrs Cricket - Most memorable ball was the nut cracker. And he wasn't wearing a box. I almost gave him one though. Nothing else exceptional with the ball. A tight and sound spell. Will be heading with Masterclass to Korean Bath House for a loosener( and I'm not talking an opening ball from Terry Alderman). Done some damage. Batting is ever so slightly improving. A knock of 33 posssibly steadied the ship but by no means gave us the edge.

$1. 1 million - Masterclass - As usual this much sort after Slapper did great things with the ball. They were coming in quick. So quick in fact that gLOVE is seeking a new set of gloves. Gone! Got Him! On field, Masterclass was once again prowling around cover. Seeking to destroy any lazy runners. His batting was a little under par though, unable to shake off recent bridal waltz lessons he was caught dancing down the pitch one too many times and promptly stumped. Twice! There were flashes of brilliance , one 6 in particular. Robbbed of runner up Match Slap due to dodgy arithmetic. I do apologise.

$6.0 million- Ring in #2 "Rob"- Yes, the six million dollar man. Any man that can swing a ball more than a metre over 22 yards is worth this much. He would have been worth more had it not been for his pending relation to Masterclass and the fact that on inspection the ball was split open, raising ugly tampering allegations. A handy bat with a pull shot that will put the ball through those nets I swear. Unfortunately he was held back by Masterclass in the innings and we never got to see the 60+ batsman that is lurking beneath the surface. Shame on you John.

$1.39 million - Knicky Sixx - 12 months ago Sixx was thinking of retiring from indoor. He'd reached a low point in cricket.He was ready to walk away from it all. Now he's walking on cloud 9. Another fantastic bowling performance sees his season tally of wickets soar to 16. Thoughts of retirement are well and truly gone. Another stylish display with the wood saw Sixx and gLOVE bring home the bacon. It was a well controlled innings. With all the appropriate vim and vigor needed. This aging champion still has plenty of Slap to give.

Well done Slappers, a grand win.

Round 7 - new and old faces

game	opponent	us	them
7	team ramrod*	140	68

* 15 run handicap

BATTING

		out	partnership	total
brendan	lenno	6	23	23
jamie	richo	2	33	56
john	rob	5	23	79
g	nachos	3	61	140

BOWLING

	wickets	runs
brendan	3	9
g	1	9
jamie	4	26
john	2	3
lenno	2	2
nachos	2	-2
richo	3	-2
rob	2	8
handicap		15
	19	53

(re-draw! re-draw!) Match Slapper: G


Perhaps the week off, but is it just me or was it warmer work than normal tonight? The smell of victory was pungent.

Un-pleasantries aside, Tim continued his practice of sending new teams in against us. Of course as new teams go there were some familiar faces, reflected in the modest 15 runs they received as a start. While we are still not in the official odds for the premiership at the time of writing, Fossil deigned to umpire us in between snarfing his pizza and leveling abuse at Johnny.

Without the services of Keano, the Skipper let loose an immediate return of Lenno for the opening exchanges alongside of Brendan. A stirring start had it appearing to be another Richo masterstroke until five wickets in nine balls had us all questioning his judgement. Opinion seems unanimous that Lenno was blameless in the carnage, though this is solely attributable to Brendan's failure to appear at the pub afterwards.

Jamie and Richo continue to eke out runs in the second pairing, collecting their third consecutive partnership of 30 or more. Having firstly proposed our latest ring-in, future brother-in-law and Newest Slap Rob, John then telegraphed that they may be twenty to thirty minutes late due to shopping for the upcoming nuptials. No I couldn't believe it either. Visions of John and Rob trying on tuxedos together until 6:30 was troubling, however it was evident after finding Rob warming up in the nets prior to the game that the man was focused. Figuring the family that slaps together, well you know, the Skipper was left with no choice but to bat yours truly last. Sorry Nick - thankfully we brought the total up to 140.

The legspinners took a bag in the field, Jamie also handling the batting power neatly. Lenno, Richo and John were all rapid and on the spot - indeed Johnny managed to rip half the webbing off one of the keeping gloves. Rob's first ball wicket, Nachos power over wickets, all timely. Hard to isolate moments in the field aside from Jamie's acrobatics, a great all round effort gents (awwwww).

Finally, controversy reigns regarding this weeks Match Slapper voting. Richo didn't appear confident of the count, John disbelieving of the process entirely.

I remain satisfied of the result.

Round 6 - Mrs Cricket's Rag

Well the bloody thing is over. The Bye. The week of misery and boredom has passed. Welcome to a new cricketing week Slappers. Thursday brings new challenges, new hopes. It should also bring new match stats but alas, the cupboard was bare.

Possibly the only positive to come from a 'bye' week is the fact that we are rested. Bursting at the seams, one would hope. Noticing that only 3 Slappers turned out for the video session,I thought I'd ring around to see how my fellow Slappers spent their night off. Here are the results:

( Mrs Cricket, gLOVE, B.Baggins ) Well done lads. It was meant to be a video session and not a second was watched. On the flip side, a handy game of indoor was arranged and the next 3 hours were spent honing one's skills in gLOVE's kitchen. Hat's off Slaps.

( Masterclass) Spent the evening in the Cross at the Korean Bath House working on a lower back problem. Well done mate. Good to see you're looking after yourself.

( Bollywood ) According to the Daily Telegraph this Slappper was seen dining with Sub-Continental Hot Shots
complete with lap top on table with hastily edited footage of the Slaps in action. Look out boys, we are close to signing on T20 India 2009.

( & Keano) Keano reckons it was a diplomatic mission for the Pitchslaps. Merely "raising our profile in QLD". Jupiters security footage shows something entirely different.

( Knicky Sixx ) Moonlighting as an actor is the rumour. Yet to confirm. Rumour also has it, he gives good 'sleaze' Source: T.Schmitz

( F.Baggins ) Another thespian. Lines...And Lines... More Lines... Then Script. Will be back in 4 weeks. He and his anger will be missed.

So thats it Slaps. Looking forward to Wed. 6pm Match. We are against newcomers "the RamRods". Ouch! Look out!!

Round 6 - the bye

Round 5 - Mrs Cricket's Rag

As noted in gLOVE's continually Slaptastic report, it would appear our buddies in "That Last Ball" still have overt issues with us and our approach to the game. Hark back to December's semi against them and one can still hear their skipper's post-match whinge to Fossil 'Why were they given 10 points start Foss?! It's not fair!!". ......Well my fellow skip ....LIFE SUCKS! and we flogged ya by 32 anyway, so the extra 10 made a lick of difference. But now I'm raving. Fast forward to last wednesday and the match was set. History would be made. And it was. There were a few moments in the match where it could have swung their way but in true Pitchslap style we hung in and fought. We smelt when they were down and we kept them there. Everyone seems to be settling in nicely to their new fielding positions. Our bowling was incredibly tidy as a whole. To echo gLOVE's remarks, a big hat's off to ring in Cotton. The Victorian had a blinder with ball, bamboozeling with each toss. Unfortunately Cotton has only one week left with the Slappers (just enough time to get to the nets and work on his batting) and his prowess will be missed. The batting partnerships were also fairly solid considering the quality of their fielding and bowling. The partnerships are still in an experimental stage but seem to maturing quickly. A great win, our finest in fact.

Round 5 - winning ugly

game	opponent	us	them
5	that last ball	107	87

BATTING

		out	partnership	total
g	jimmy	4	30	30
jamie	richo	1	30	60
cotton	keano	5	10	70
john	nachos	5	37	107

BOWLING

	wickets	runs
cotton	4	-8
g	1	19
jamie	0	27
jimmy	1	16
john	0	19
keano	2	4
nick	3	-6
richo	2	16
	13	87

(leading) Match Slapper: Richo


If relations with any of our opponents appear inimical it would be That Last Ball. Perhaps they will like us more when they win?

All of us worked hard for runs but stuck in to post a total to bowl at. Props to Johnny and Nachos who shook off two negative overs to take considerable toll of the following power over and finish the innings out smartly.

The 69 ring-in shirt had its first outing on Cotton’s back, the hoodwinker returning to remind us that racial insensitivity in cricket can also be very special. No doubt he wasn’t alone in being shocked when not mentioned in after match voting though, notably, was the only person moved to comment on same.

Rules about eligibility are possibly the only factor not warranting renaming of our weekly prize to the Natch Slapper. Keano was pretty hard on himself at the pub after the match, however his bowling was in particularly fine fettle before even considering another great night fielding by the bat. Jamie’s strong all-round game continued, however it was the Skipper that took the Match Slapper back to its spiritual home, adding a safe set of hands with occasional heroics at the back stumps to his already impressive kit bag.